in my reality tv villain era
I'm watching the Bachelor again and I'm going to make it everyone's problem
I haven’t watched an entire Bachelor/Bachelorette season since Hannah B.’s– I’m prone to suffering through the three hour premiere, then cherry picking episodes throughout the season. Now I’m treating The Bachelor like homework. For the past 3 years, I’ve been elbow deep in a Bach-inspired novel, and haven’t wanted to muddy the waters with actual Bachelor content, but it seems time to refamiliarize myself with the tropes.
So I sat on the couch with my notebook open and got to work.
This newsletter was a split decision and I’m a week behind, so let’s start with some first impressions.
We begin on a beach. Joey’s wearing a suit and crying. An SUV is pulling away, presumably carrying a woman he does/does not want to propose to. I didn’t watch Charity’s Bachelorette season so I assumed it was a flashback but it’s actually a preview of what’s to come. To be honest, it’s never going to top Colton’s fence jump. I’m not on the edge of my seat, compelled to keep watching because I just have to know why he’s crying. No offense, Joey. They tried to plant the seed. It’s not germinating. Let’s move on.
And now it’s Night One again. Joey is wearing a suit he refers to as “teal,” but it is so clearly just a regular blue suit. I have eyes, Joey, and I know my colors. I don’t know how to explain it, but I think of Joey as a much cleaner Jeremy Allen White. Compared to previous Bachelors who could be drawn using only right angles, Joey’s more of just some guy in a way that I find charming and approachable. I’m rooting for him because he looks kind. He’s got the gold chain rocking in his promos. Also he’s 5’111.
Anyway. The limos round the corner. There’s screaming. Someone says, “Okay, king.” I contemplate keeping a chronically online phrase tally but decide against it for my own sanity.
Rapid fire takes on the rapid fire entrances:
The sequins and glitter were mind-numbing, but I get it. It’s the same reason they hose down the driveway, right? Very visual. Keeps our attention and probably Joey’s, like a really cool bird.
I’d like to see the stats on gimmicks and weird innuendos vs. previous seasons. Again, I didn’t watch last season but Joey doesn’t come across abnormally horny. Definitely not at the level of Fucked-in-a-Windmill Peter, that’s for sure. And Joey did not seem charmed or even like a good sport for the sexual advances. It makes me like him more that he’s not pretending it’s cute.
Joey didn’t seem to have an instant connection with anyone except maybe Kelsey T. But I think he’s attracted to her and thinks she’s hot… not the same thing as chemistry, unfortunately. I’d like to see more of her.
Katelyn is so gorge in her áo dài. She showcased her heritage and they didn’t mention it or make a big deal out of it. I’m glad they didn’t tokenize it, but I don’t think we even saw her and Joey discuss it, which was maybe a missed opportunity.
Lauren’s shotgunning a beer entrance was great but it did more for Joey’s character arc than her own. The burp was the cherry on top for his relatability, and her thing remains has a sister she’s insanely jealous of.
Maria’s dress is so fugly and my knee-jerk instinct was to hate her, but there’s something sweet and vulnerable about her interaction with Joey and I could really see them together– under non-Bachelor circumstances, but more on that later.
Lea apparently showed up on After the Final Rose, so she has a sealed envelope. It was a big plot point of the episode– I thought it was going to give her the power to eliminate someone else. She did eventually open the card and it gave her the chance to steal a one-on-one from someone else. Rather than take that opportunity, she threw the card in the fire2.
First Impressions and beyond:
Statistically, there’s a high correlation of Bachelorettes’ first impression rose to their final rose. But the correlation isn’t the same for Bachelors. And why might this be? I think it’s because of intuition. Bachelorettes make a split decision. Emotions are high, night one is a blur, and they choose someone they feel a spark with. That spark is chemistry, and chemistry is a tool to build a relationship out of. Bachelors don’t make the decision in the same way.
Let’s use Joey’s first impression rose as an example. I’m sorry, but there is no way Lea is getting the final rose.
But she’s a logical choice for Joey. Logical is the keyword here. It’s night one! He’s got a checklist of attributes he should want in a woman. And Lea ticks those boxes. She handled that trump card with so much empathy and grace and kindness. She was given an opportunity to be a bigger person and she took it, when she didn’t have to. Both Taylor and Jess said they would have kept the card and used it, and I believe them. So I think Joey looked at that single choice and thought, this shows character and morality and a good partner who will be good for me.
But, let’s check back in two weeks. Kindness won’t matter when he’s really, truly into someone. We’ve seen it time and time again. How many villains make it to the final four, despite beefing with every woman in the house? The Bachelor never cares.
“I got a little smoochy-poo”: the battle of Blonde Southern Belle vs. Brash Northern Brunette
The scene is set for us already, between the first episode and the previews. Taylor may be louder in her distaste for Jess scoring Joey’s first kiss, but the animosity Maria feels toward Jess is simmering and it’s going to hit a boil. I don’t see either of them being a villain, personally. Jess has a naivety similar to Hannah B.– she even looks like her, right down to the teeth and the accent. So when she announced the kiss, I don’t think the intention was nefarious. I think she doesn’t know better and was drinking and likely has a producer in her ear. But I also don’t think Maria is a bad person for disliking her.
It’s natural to butt heads, and two people having beef or bringing the worst out in each other doesn’t immediately make one of them the villain or a bully, creating a situation in which we, the audience, pick a side and vilify the opponent via Twitter mentions.
This dichotomy is a tale as old as time– or at least as old as Bachelor history. The show is designed to make us root for a sweet southern belle, because she’s polite and quiet, has a dazzling smile, has parents whose marriage remains a testament to true love.
But to root for one woman, you need another to root against. Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes the villains are also blonde. But I can already see a pattern emerging with the likes of Allison and Lauren, and Maria. They’re too forward, right? They’re a little louder with big personalities, and big personalities aren’t attractive because they take up too much space and it’s unladylike for a woman to take up too much space.
How does this play out on screen? Both parties get the majority of the screen time. Except for the focus on Lea and her sealed envelope, Jess and Maria received the most screen time in episode one3. We’re being set up for the narrative to focus solely on these two types of women in opposition and, as usual, it will come at the expense of both screen time and time with the lead for the women of color on the show. Not only is it tired and lazy to focus only on white contestants, the formula is also played out. The “drama” escalated from Jess getting the first kiss to her stealing time from someone, and that’s what’s setting the foundation. It’s been done before– 28 times, probably. This is one reason viewership has been consistently down for years. We’ve seen it before.
Additionally, this contrast is going to ultimately affect Joey’s decisions. My prediction is that he’ll pick a traditional blonde woman from the south, as is expected of him, because if one is available that is who he should want. But if Joey was not the Bachelor, I imagine his type would be vastly different. He’s from Philly, after all. I could easily see him gravitating toward a Maria or an Erika, maybe a Lauren. Kelsey T. got essentially no screen time, but I could see him with her, too. But I don’t think his real type will matter. This isn’t a dig at Joey, or even men as a whole, but culturally, the visual of an Ideal Woman has been drilled into us all, and when he’s under pressure and a time crunch, will the Bachelor stop to think this woman is great but is she the type of woman I want? It requires a level of introspection that I think few are capable of or willing to engage in. If there was ever a Bachelor capable of bucking that stereotype, it might be Joey, but I won’t be holding my breath.
Final thoughts:
I think Lexi or Kelsey A. will get the final rose. If Lexi doesn’t win Joey’s heart, she’ll be the next Bachelorette and her season will center her desire to be a mother and her diagnosis.
I’ll peg Lexi and both Kelseys for Final 4. I assume the fourth person will be any of the following: Jess, Maria, Lauren, Erika.
Those are my only predictions– I’m definitely not good at predicting the finales, and usually episode one gives me nothing to work with, so we’re off to a surprisingly good start.
(Since I’m behind, I’m going to crank out my episode 2 thoughts ASAP and try to get on a regular schedule. I promise I will write something other than Bachelor recaps soon.)
A solid height but shorter than most Bachelors. Thank god Life & Style did the work for me. This show is not celebrating the short kings of the world, apparently.
My hottest take is that Lea’s getting a really obvious Bachelorette edit. But if it comes down to it, nothing will overshadow Lexi’s endometriosis story.
Proof via Bachelor Data on Instagram, which I’m obsessed with and you should be, too.