a gemini bachelor who definitely knows what he wants
(Joey, plz DM me your birth time so I can find out if you're a gemini venus) The Bachelor s28, e7
Six roads diverged in the Jasper woods, and Joey– Joey took the one most likely to not reject him.
Joey is a Gemini. That’s it, that’s the whole newsletter. I don’t need to say anything else, do I? Fine, just kidding. I will say more, and it’s all about Gemini man stereotypes, so here’s my disclaimer: I love Geminis. I have at least 5 Geminis who I don’t hate, and I’m only related to (and therefore required to love) 3 of them. My Venus sign is Gemini and I have faced discrimination because of this. I can’t help it! There are only so many options for Venus signs! It’s my dad’s fault1.
I’m not saying Joey’s decisions or personality are led by his status as a Gemini, but I think it’s telling that his final 6 are so different, and the way he acts with them all is pretty different, too. He’s clearly introverted, and matches his vibe to whoever he’s with, which makes it hard, as the audience, to gauge his true interest level with any of them. Does that make it hard for him, too? The Bachelor isn’t provided diversity by way of race or body type, but there’s a range of personality types to choose from, and if Joey molds himself to whoever he’s talking to— silly when he’s with Jenn, quiet and gentle with Daisy, suggestive with Maria, etc.— then if he doesn’t have a really strong sense of who he is, he’s doomed.
Cast/Character Tropes: a tiny study
Unfortunately, I have to make this Bachelor “recap” (it’s incredibly generous to call these recaps at this point) about me. (Just kidding, I love making things about me.) I am currently elbow deep in the guts of my Bachelor-inspired novel’s third draft, so my interest in this season of The Bachelor is more analytical than it would have been in the past. I’m paying attention to the characterization of the cast, how they’re presented to us, how certain tropes pop up in almost every season. Last week, I tried to unpack the Good Girl/Hot Girl dichotomy a little, but unsurprisingly, I have more to say!
I’m slowly making my way through How to Win the Bachelor: The Secret to Finding Love and Fame on America’s Favorite Reality Show by Chad Kultgen and Lizzy Pace. They have their own list of character tropes, but I found that I didn’t vibe with them as much, so I’m putting the women into my own categories, with a few additions of their characterizations (specifically The Pageant Queen and The Good Girl). These are all character tropes that characters in my own novel fall into, which is why I’m interested in them and talking about myself this time around.
The Good Girl: Daisy, of course, falls into this category. She grew up on a Christmas tree farm! Her story arc is seeped in innocence and vulnerability, leaning heavily on her tragic backstory and how strong she is. The most controversial thing we’ve seen about her is that she wants to name her and Joey’s hypothetical twins Ocean and Coco, but I’m not going to get into that right now. The Good Girl is always always always…the most boring person on the show. I’m sorry to Daisy, but why do they edit out any personality these women have? Fine, I’ll add that yes, Good Girls win. I’m not unpacking this again. Lauren (Arie’s season), Cassie (Colton’s season), other Lauren (Ben’s season). I’m sure millions of others.
The Weaponized Virgin: We don’t have one this season, but our most famous byproduct of Bachelor-hood is probably Madison Prewett, who was so distraught that Peter Fucked-in-a-Windmill Weber got physical with other women, that she left the show and then they tried to date and it went badly and now she’s married to some rich youth pastor and writes books about how waiting for marriage is the only way to love yourself that I’m sure will be damaging young Christian women’s psyches for years to come.
The Villain (whether lowkey or highkey): We have plenty of options this season. Sydney, Lea, Jess. But every season needs at least once. Victoria, from Matt’s season. Corinne (Nick’s season) was kind of a low-key villain because she…took naps and had a bad attitude? And I think Demi (Colton’s season) was, too, but I can’t really remember why. Villains are good for screen time, but are too campy to even be real romantic prospects. They’re all bark and no substance. That’s the saying, right?
The Pageant Queen: We’ve seen it hold more weight in previous seasons, specifically in a rivalry between Hannah B. and Caelynn on Colton’s season, who were not fans of each other, though Hannah G. was also a former pageant girl and that wasn’t the sole focus of her arc. It’s been mentioned a few times this season in regards to Kelsey A., but Sydney also made sure we knew she did pageants (in high school). The Bachelor pretty much serves as a waystation between pageants and influencing, but I will say these women have made it far. Caelynn and Hannah G. both found husbands on Paradise, and well, Hannah B. is Hannah B.
The Smart Girl: Rachel definitely falls into this category. She’s a nurse, she’s so mature and even wears her glasses sometimes. My ultimate Smart Girl was Michelle (Bachelorette 18), who was a teacher. One other notable Smart Girl was Jacqueline, (Arie’s season) who was just way too refined to be there. There are, of course, people who think they’re the smart girl and end up being villains, like Taylor (Nick’s season). My general perception of The Smart Girl is that she’s there on a lark, rather than as a career stepping stone, and she wants to have fun and travel the world before she gets back to her real life, but of course she’s so charming and interesting and compelling.
The Sexy One: We all know where this is going. Maria, certified hot girl. I do see a genuine connection between her and Joey, which I think is rare with this archetype. They’re leggy, they have dark hair down to their ass, they’re serving bawdy, their dresses are all high slits and cleavage. Victoria F. fell into this category and ya know what? I loved her for it. And I’m just gonna say it… Idk if they’re still together, but my jaw dropped when I found out about her and Greg. Talk about a Bachelor power couple! I’m getting off track. The Sexy One isn’t usually well-liked or respected, but the Bachelor is always obsessed with her and she makes it far.
Insecurity is only for The Bachelor
Now let’s talk about the actual episode of The Maria Show2. When Maria went to Joey, practically begging for reassurance, the tide of public opinion was quick to turn on her. “She knows what she signed up for.” “She thought he would beg her to stay and now she looks stupid.” “She’s so annoying.” This happens every season and everyone always frames it as they know what they signed up for. Knowing and feeling it are two different things and contestants are never offered the same empathy and compassion extended to The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Honestly, there’s barely any empathy for them, either.
What we watched in that exasperated, quiet interaction wasn’t a man who called a woman’s bluff and made her look stupid, or a girl who’s playing a mind game. That was an argument between two people in a relationship. When Daisy didn’t give Joey the reassurance he wanted, he was graceful and kind and sweet to her, bringing his best self to the table. When Maria was unsure and discounting their connection, he was mad. He was annoyed at her, he was frustrated. He brought his real self to that couch, the parts that, yes, are a little ugly sometimes. But relationships aren’t just our best selves meeting to have a great time. They’re also our worst selves, our toxic traits, our insecurities, our past traumas playing out.
I believe that the lead of the show often gets so caught up in their journey, so wrapped up in viewing themselves as the main character, that they forget that there are other people in those relationships. And those other people also get to feel jealous and hurt and insecure— and a whole lot of other emotions, all of which are valid, whether the Bachelor wants to hear them or not. I’m not saying the lead needs to say, you’re right, I’m in love with you and I’m going to leave right now to be with you, but they often withhold any kind of reassurance as punishment for daring to imply that someone else matters in this process. They immediately get puffed up that someone would have the audacity to have emotions they didn’t approve on their journey, that it’s so selfish to ask the Bachelor/Bachelorette for anything emotionally on a show that’s all about them.
And it loses them that person every time. Because, yeah, if you can’t even validate what someone’s feeling without being an asshole, I would get up and leave, too. When you walk away from the cameras, you no longer get to be the only person in your relationship. And now you’re left to navigate communication previously denied to one half of your relationship.
Who is the real Joey?
Ideally, they would pause filming for two weeks to allow Joey time to think— preferably at some sort of silent retreat where he’s forced to be completely alone with his thoughts and a mirror to converse with or something. We still have to survive hometowns, fantasy suites and whatever interrogation methods Joey’s terrifying gen z sisters will employ against the final two, and Joey’s already crying to the camera over something he should maybe, just maybe, be discussing with a therapist instead.
Apparently they’ve been advertising the end to this season as something that has never happened before in Bachelor history. It’s giving the most dramatic season ever. It’s giving promos of Colton jumping the fence ad nauseum. Every season claims something crazy and dramatic and, to be fair, with the amount of leads who dumped their fiancé/e to pursue their runner up (or like, fifth place loser), the claim is usually at least partially correct.
As a certified Maria stan, my perfect ending would be that they are together, riding off into the sunset and making out, and that’s why she’s getting such a bonkers amount of screen time and a golden edit. But, more likely, one of his final 2 bows out, or he dumps one and then chases her down. And yes, I’ve obviously been spoiled but if he’s engaged, then that’s not very unprecedented, now is it?
TL;DR: I remember why I stopped watching The Bachelor…I’m fatigued and wrung out, just like Joey. See you next episode!
My dad, ironically, is also a Gemini and he is not one of the 5, thank you very much.
I say this without an ounce of snark. The Maria Show is a show I would kill to watch. Maria for Bachelorette, please!